I think this blog is getting way too sad. I don't wanna do that anymore, cause I'd hate to give somebody a bad impression of an exchange year.

Because as hard as it sometimes may be and as many problems may come, even when I feel like I'm drowning, there's always something to hold on to. There's always something. And let me say, this is the _only way that you can see everything you've failed in your past. And get the chance to redo everything in your future.

I feel like I've reached a breaking point. On one hand, I've been for over four months "alone" now, without my parents and sisters to lean on to. I've had to create all new friendships and family relationships and find out who to trust and what to say. But that's the coolest thing. 'Cause it's given me the chance to see how broken I've really been in the past, even throughout this whole year, that has seemed to be one of the toughest ones yet. But never the less, here I am, all because of everything I've been through.

I don't believe in regretting, I think it's pointless. I also don't believe in.. missing people too much, I mean I think a little bit is fine (feels like a little bit is always there). I don't want to waste energy into thinking or creating problems. And this stuff is something that I have learned here.

This is picture is from last New Year's Eve. Hmm. I think I was pretty happy at the time, but also.. oblivious? I don't know if it's the word I'm looking for. As in, I was about to realize I had problems inside of me, somewhere veeeeeery deep, but I never really acknowledged them or wanted to waste my energy into solving them. I think it was pretty dumb, after all, but I wanted to focus on partying and having fun and the good in life.


A lot of partying........ at this time I also started my first serious relationship, yay! I don't wanna get too into this (not sure if thinking about it much is a good idea since it ended as it ended), but it also made an effect on me. Of course. Everybody saw the difference :D. Hahahah. But this was a fun time. (I actually lifestyle blogged a bit about this period of my hihg school year. It was superfun, most of the stuff I miss is from this time..) Parties, friends, staying out, nightlife, cruzing, laughing, stuff like that. Happy times.

All kinds of good stuff happened to me. End of winter, spring, summer. It was so easy to be happy, seemed like I could see evertyhing so clearly, and that I didn't have any problems to focus on. But the truth was, well, that there was still something wrong. I was really happy and enjoying life, but there were the random screamings and bad moments, which I could never find a reason to. I think I was so overwhelmed with all the goodness around me I forgot that there might be bad stuff too, that I should get over with, in order to be really truly happy and.. more mature, I guess. Never the less, those bad moments didn't bother me. Now, seeing it all in the past, I get the reasons much better, and of course wish I had acted differently, but as I said, I don't believe in regrets. Let the past be the past and all I can do is do better in the present.

I actually don't have many pictures of summer. But I'll always remember it : ) gosh, I'm happy I reached the point in this year where remeniscing is good, it doesn't make me sad anymore. It was a lot of fun, until August, when the thought of the new, frighting, thrilling and exciting Mexico was waiting for me. And that I had to leave all of this behind me. How could I?!

I'm gonna be honest - at firs, I couldn't. Arriving here and immediately facing troubles with people I had never met before, experiencing new climate, new house, new family, new EVERYTHING, yeah, it hit me really hard. The first week I was here was.. so hard I can't even find a word for it! But I kept on going. I remember when I just wanted to lay down and cry for feeling so hopeless, I wiped my tears away and forced a smile on my face. And I kept on smiling, until it felt natural again. And pushed and pushed the negativity away.(don't get the wrong image -- I am not a maneater :DDD)

Yeah, I did feel pretty lost for a while. But then I got closer with my classmates, my neighbours, my brothers, everybody who was around me. I grew up. And I said no. To myself. I don't wanna sound like a crazy person, but lots of lovely things happened to me and throughout these stuffs I learned that my head is my own worst enemy, but that I am the only one who can control it. I am the only one who can decide who I want to be. _I_ am the only one responsable for my behaviour. And after acting like a stupid child the last times, that was it. When I shook off the past and said fuck you problems. I learned that happiness is only depending on me. I am the only person standing in front of it. Weird, right? After that, everything got clearer. And this year got the push I had been looking for. After that.. one word. WOW.

Now, I'm really happy and proud of myself. For not giving up and understanding situatuions and trying to be a better person. Honestly, I feel like this New Year is going to be as happy as the last one, but now I see what I used to be blind to. I now I'm not perfect, nobody is, but as one friend said, maybe being perfect means having it all. The good and the bad. And all these people alone are a good enough reason to stay happy.

I don't know if you get any of this, I think I mainly wrote this stuff so I wouldn't forget this feeling. 'Cause yeah, there are still times when I think why the hell did I ever leave for this am I crazy, but I know all will be OK. Since I learned that the best way to predict the future is creating it:)

Not everybody gets to experience half the stuff I have. Not everybody gets to see the huge Buddha of Hong Kong, go through Europe with a train, live with a sister in Rome, swim in a Oaxacan lake, meet the people I've met, work in a restaurant, get five phonenumbers instead of tip (goddamn you guys I want your money not your number!!!! hahahaha), eat tummy soup (yumm....no), meet a Cuban man and not understand his accent, search for tortillas at the market and get sent to the shoe section, and.. I know I'm really happy right now, with who I am. It's something I didn't have for many many years. I'm still so young that it feels funny talking about these kinds of stuffs, but yeah, experiencing new cultures and new people really helps realize the different sides of yourself, too. And ot understand that sometimes it's ok to be mad, angry, sad or hopeless, or just have the guts to cry your heart out. But what I've learned is that getting up afterwards may be harder, but it's the only way to live a happy life.

I hope you guys have a happy New Year. Best of luck&wishes to everything. I already know what I am going to wish :)...... (more chocolate hahahhaha)

Love you guys.

Minea xox


todo lo que hago lo hago por ti

eres como una mariposa,
vuelas y te posas, vas de boca en boca,
fácil y ligera de quien te provoca
yo soy ratón de tu ratonera
trampa que no mata, pero no libera
vivo muriendo, prisionero

mariposa traicionera
todo se lo lleva el viento
mariposa, no regreso

ay, mariposa de amor,
mi mariposa de amor
ya no regreso contigo
ay, mariposa de amor,
mi mariposa de amor
nunca, jamás, junto a tí

vuela amor, vuela dolor
y no regreses a un lado
ya vete de flor en flor
seduciendo, a los pistilos
y vuela cerca del sol
pa'que sientas lo que es dolor

como quisiera poder vivir sin aire
como quisiera poder vivir sin agua
me encantaría quererte un poco menos
como quisiera poder vivir sin tí

pero no puedo, siento que muero,
me estoy ahogando sin tu amor

¿cómo pudiera un pez nadar sin agua?
¿cómo pudiera un ave volar sin alas?
¿cómo pudiera la flor crecer sin tierra?
cómo quisiera poder vivir sin tí..

iba caminando por las calles empapadas en olvido,
iba por los parques con fantasmas y con ángeles caídos,
iba sin luz, iba sin sol, iba sin un sentido, iba muriéndome
Iba volando sobre el mar con las alas rotas

Ay, amor, apareciste en mi vida y me curaste las heridas
Ay, amor, eres mi luna, eres mi sol, eres mi pan de cada día

apareciste con tu luz,
no nunca te vayas, no, no te vayas no
eres la gloria de los dos, hasta la muerte

en un mundo de ilusión,
yo estaba desahuciado,
estaba abandonado,
vivía sin sentido
pero hoy llegaste tú

ay, amor, tú eres mi religión,
tú eres luz, tú eres mi sol,
abre el corazón, abre el corazón

hace tanto tiempo, corazón,
viví en dolor y en el olvido,
ay, amor, eres mi bendición, mi religión,
eres mi sol que cura el frío...

como puedo yo borrar tus besos, vida?
están tatuados en mi piel...
quiero de una vez por todos
ya largarte y borrarte de mi ser

ojalá la lluvia me ahogue entre sus brazos
para no pensar en ti
o que pase un milagro,
pase algo que me lleve hasta ti

ojalá se me olvidará hasta tu nombre,
ahogarlo dentro del mar
ojalá que tu sonrisa de verano
se pudiera ya borrar...