2011

I think this blog is getting way too sad. I don't wanna do that anymore, cause I'd hate to give somebody a bad impression of an exchange year.

Because as hard as it sometimes may be and as many problems may come, even when I feel like I'm drowning, there's always something to hold on to. There's always something. And let me say, this is the _only way that you can see everything you've failed in your past. And get the chance to redo everything in your future.

I feel like I've reached a breaking point. On one hand, I've been for over four months "alone" now, without my parents and sisters to lean on to. I've had to create all new friendships and family relationships and find out who to trust and what to say. But that's the coolest thing. 'Cause it's given me the chance to see how broken I've really been in the past, even throughout this whole year, that has seemed to be one of the toughest ones yet. But never the less, here I am, all because of everything I've been through.

I don't believe in regretting, I think it's pointless. I also don't believe in.. missing people too much, I mean I think a little bit is fine (feels like a little bit is always there). I don't want to waste energy into thinking or creating problems. And this stuff is something that I have learned here.

This is picture is from last New Year's Eve. Hmm. I think I was pretty happy at the time, but also.. oblivious? I don't know if it's the word I'm looking for. As in, I was about to realize I had problems inside of me, somewhere veeeeeery deep, but I never really acknowledged them or wanted to waste my energy into solving them. I think it was pretty dumb, after all, but I wanted to focus on partying and having fun and the good in life.

<

A lot of partying........ at this time I also started my first serious relationship, yay! I don't wanna get too into this (not sure if thinking about it much is a good idea since it ended as it ended), but it also made an effect on me. Of course. Everybody saw the difference :D. Hahahah. But this was a fun time. (I actually lifestyle blogged a bit about this period of my hihg school year. It was superfun, most of the stuff I miss is from this time..) Parties, friends, staying out, nightlife, cruzing, laughing, stuff like that. Happy times.



All kinds of good stuff happened to me. End of winter, spring, summer. It was so easy to be happy, seemed like I could see evertyhing so clearly, and that I didn't have any problems to focus on. But the truth was, well, that there was still something wrong. I was really happy and enjoying life, but there were the random screamings and bad moments, which I could never find a reason to. I think I was so overwhelmed with all the goodness around me I forgot that there might be bad stuff too, that I should get over with, in order to be really truly happy and.. more mature, I guess. Never the less, those bad moments didn't bother me. Now, seeing it all in the past, I get the reasons much better, and of course wish I had acted differently, but as I said, I don't believe in regrets. Let the past be the past and all I can do is do better in the present.



I actually don't have many pictures of summer. But I'll always remember it : ) gosh, I'm happy I reached the point in this year where remeniscing is good, it doesn't make me sad anymore. It was a lot of fun, until August, when the thought of the new, frighting, thrilling and exciting Mexico was waiting for me. And that I had to leave all of this behind me. How could I?!


I'm gonna be honest - at firs, I couldn't. Arriving here and immediately facing troubles with people I had never met before, experiencing new climate, new house, new family, new EVERYTHING, yeah, it hit me really hard. The first week I was here was.. so hard I can't even find a word for it! But I kept on going. I remember when I just wanted to lay down and cry for feeling so hopeless, I wiped my tears away and forced a smile on my face. And I kept on smiling, until it felt natural again. And pushed and pushed the negativity away.(don't get the wrong image -- I am not a maneater :DDD)


Yeah, I did feel pretty lost for a while. But then I got closer with my classmates, my neighbours, my brothers, everybody who was around me. I grew up. And I said no. To myself. I don't wanna sound like a crazy person, but lots of lovely things happened to me and throughout these stuffs I learned that my head is my own worst enemy, but that I am the only one who can control it. I am the only one who can decide who I want to be. _I_ am the only one responsable for my behaviour. And after acting like a stupid child the last times, that was it. When I shook off the past and said fuck you problems. I learned that happiness is only depending on me. I am the only person standing in front of it. Weird, right? After that, everything got clearer. And this year got the push I had been looking for. After that.. one word. WOW.



Now, I'm really happy and proud of myself. For not giving up and understanding situatuions and trying to be a better person. Honestly, I feel like this New Year is going to be as happy as the last one, but now I see what I used to be blind to. I now I'm not perfect, nobody is, but as one friend said, maybe being perfect means having it all. The good and the bad. And all these people alone are a good enough reason to stay happy.

I don't know if you get any of this, I think I mainly wrote this stuff so I wouldn't forget this feeling. 'Cause yeah, there are still times when I think why the hell did I ever leave for this am I crazy, but I know all will be OK. Since I learned that the best way to predict the future is creating it:)

Not everybody gets to experience half the stuff I have. Not everybody gets to see the huge Buddha of Hong Kong, go through Europe with a train, live with a sister in Rome, swim in a Oaxacan lake, meet the people I've met, work in a restaurant, get five phonenumbers instead of tip (goddamn you guys I want your money not your number!!!! hahahaha), eat tummy soup (yumm....no), meet a Cuban man and not understand his accent, search for tortillas at the market and get sent to the shoe section, and.. I know I'm really happy right now, with who I am. It's something I didn't have for many many years. I'm still so young that it feels funny talking about these kinds of stuffs, but yeah, experiencing new cultures and new people really helps realize the different sides of yourself, too. And ot understand that sometimes it's ok to be mad, angry, sad or hopeless, or just have the guts to cry your heart out. But what I've learned is that getting up afterwards may be harder, but it's the only way to live a happy life.

I hope you guys have a happy New Year. Best of luck&wishes to everything. I already know what I am going to wish :)...... (more chocolate hahahhaha)

Love you guys.

Minea xox

todo lo que hago lo hago por ti

eres como una mariposa,
vuelas y te posas, vas de boca en boca,
fácil y ligera de quien te provoca
yo soy ratón de tu ratonera
trampa que no mata, pero no libera
vivo muriendo, prisionero

mariposa traicionera
todo se lo lleva el viento
mariposa, no regreso

ay, mariposa de amor,
mi mariposa de amor
ya no regreso contigo
ay, mariposa de amor,
mi mariposa de amor
nunca, jamás, junto a tí

vuela amor, vuela dolor
y no regreses a un lado
ya vete de flor en flor
seduciendo, a los pistilos
y vuela cerca del sol
pa'que sientas lo que es dolor

***

como quisiera poder vivir sin aire
como quisiera poder vivir sin agua
me encantaría quererte un poco menos
como quisiera poder vivir sin tí

pero no puedo, siento que muero,
me estoy ahogando sin tu amor
¿cómo pudiera un pez nadar sin agua?
¿cómo pudiera un ave volar sin alas?
¿cómo pudiera la flor crecer sin tierra?
cómo quisiera poder vivir sin tí..

***

iba caminando por las calles empapadas en olvido,
iba por los parques con fantasmas y con ángeles caídos,
iba sin luz, iba sin sol, iba sin un sentido, iba muriéndome
Iba volando sobre el mar con las alas rotas

Ay, amor, apareciste en mi vida y me curaste las heridas
Ay, amor, eres mi luna, eres mi sol, eres mi pan de cada día

apareciste con tu luz,
no nunca te vayas, no, no te vayas no

eres la gloria de los dos, hasta la muerte

en un mundo de ilusión,

yo estaba desahuciado,

estaba abandonado,
vivía sin sentido

pero hoy llegaste tú

ay, amor, tú eres mi religión,
tú eres luz, tú eres mi sol,
abre el corazón, abre el corazón

hace tanto tiempo, corazón,

viví en dolor y en el olvido,
ay, amor, eres mi bendición, mi religión,

eres mi sol que cura el frío...

***

como puedo yo borrar tus besos, vida?
están tatuados en mi piel...
quiero de una vez por todos
ya largarte y borrarte de mi ser

ojalá la lluvia me ahogue entre sus brazos
para no pensar en ti
o que pase un milagro,

pase algo que me lleve hasta ti

ojalá se me olvidará hasta tu nombre,
ahogarlo dentro del mar
ojalá que tu sonrisa de verano
se pudiera ya borrar...

and that's a good enough start

(I don't think it's smart to leave that as my latest post for long)

So.. yeah. I admit that leaving absolutely everything for a year is nothing easy. I think you can't even imagine it if you've never experienced it (then again I think there's nothing you can.. but you know what I mean). I mean, I miss the strangest things - walking home in the city lights, buying too expensive ice cream, sitting in a far away train. It's weird. Seriously.

But you know what? I know that I don't want to waste time thinking "oh I wish I was at home, I wish I could see this person, I wish I had this item hidden in the dark corners of my room" etc etc. ¿Para qué? For what? It's not gonna help. If I want to (and I know I don't.....), I have all my life in Finland, all the time I want to spend in the city lights, or wherever. But I think I've got to realize that this is my one year, one shot, and as much as it might be difficult, at the same time it's so incredibly rewarding, that I just loose all my words.

I mean - not many people get to swim in a lake in the Oaxacan mountains with two dogs, see Nortec live in a bar, get 40 pesos of tips at my dad's restaurant, realize that existir = amar, lose weight without even knowing, eat a tlayuda for breakfeast (I've gotta make a food post soon.....), and most importantly, feel A PART OF SOMETHING.

The coolest thing nobody's probably ever said to me is "you're just like one of us". Just like that. I've lived all my life in one side of the world, and yet, when I get to the other side, all the beauty's still there. Of life and the world and... everything. I think I need this year. I need to go through this stuff, to never again repent the questions I asked earlier. I need to realize that I might need to fight for my happiness a bit harder than before, but it's a fight I'll never quit. And that no matter what happens, no matter who I meet, this is it. This moment. Nothing else matters. THIS MOMENT. Carpe diem and stuff like that hehehehe...

So, yes, I still agree with my words that say that this is the hardest year of my life so far. But at the same time it's the most rewarding. No doubt. And I can't imagine giving up now. I'm so close to a breakthrough and finally growing UP, that I'm not gonna let anything ruin it.

So here goes. Don't let that other post scare you. You wanna go on exchange, DO IT. Or can you imagine a cooler thing you could do at your 17´s????????

varjattya vetta

You might find this post extremely boring, but it doesn't really mater, read if you like:D

I know I should write more about the things I do everyday, but since I picked a country where I can go out pretty rarely, there's not much to tell, just a lot of working with my parents and stuff like that. I'll write more about that later (I promise yo give pictures..... I don't want this blog to turn into pure blabber). Now I've been thinking about other things.

Is it hard to go on exchange? YES. Did I knoe it before I left? YES. Do I think it has changed me? YES. Are we all a bit masochistic, leaving our homes for a year, knowing that the fun won't really start before three-four-five months pass by? YES. Did I think it was going to be easy? NO. But did I think it would be this hard? NOOO.

The thing that I fear the most is that I've changed into something more negative. The thing is, back in Finland, I was always known as the happy Minea, I was always smiling, always happy, and people really wanted to be with me, because they said I had a happy, calming aura around me. I was always the optimist who found happiness in everything and was never too tired to smile.

That's what I'm afraid I'm loosing.

Here I've faced many probelms. Many many many. I know all exchange students have problems, since being a year alone in a whole new culture ain't a piece of cake, but still reading other people's blogs or talking with them makes me a bit sad - it feels like there are people who have everything more easy. I've been here for 14 weeks now, and I'm working to be happy, I push a smile on my face, even when it feels really out of place at times. I can't let things bring me down, after all I have a lot of really really amazing friends, a class full of crazy lovely people, three brothers who are awesome and who I love very much, and so on. I have so much to be happy about, and just remembering that I'm here, doing something many people couldn't even dream of doing, means I'm strong. I'm getting stronger everyday, I know it.

But I've never in my life heard the words "Minea you have a lot of negativity in you", "I think it's about 50/50, 50% think you're really happy and great and the other 50% that.. well that you just have a lot of emotional stress", "Minea I think your head is a little sick or something, if that's the only thing holding you back". Never have I EVER been called negative. EVER. Cause I've always been the one who remembers to smile even in the worst moments, who always says that happiness shouldn't be dependent about the things that happen to us, just in how we react and do things.

So the main question is-- if I'm no long the happy positive Minea, who am I??

I know that's such a cliche, oh god I can't believe I'm actually using that, but right now it describes me pretty well. I'm not the girl who starts crying when my hostmother says I can't go to Oaxaca with my brother, or the girl who wakes up and shuts down. I hate that because of my bad feelings I've treated some people really badly, when they haven't done anything to deserve it (my brother says it's called angry sadness, or sad anger). Especially here where the people are amazing and nice and lovely and I'd love nothing more than to be the happy positive girl again.

I know the person is in me, I know I have strength to get over anything and still smile. I once promised myself I'd never lose it, that ability to enjoy life, so what the hell's wrong with me, when something feels stopping me from enjoying this one year, one shot. I'm trying out what to do, how I should react, how to force a smile on my face, even when my cheeks hurt. It's hard, yeah, but I think I just need time. I've adapted to my life here, but it feels like things just happen, and I can't cotrol ffeeling bad or sad or.. stuff that I'm not used to face. And I really need something that gives me more strenght and reminds me why I can't lose that girl I was, and how I can be more like her again. I know it's all in my head and I've just gotta work a bit harder to delete all the negativity from there. And I know I will. But right now I'm stuck in he middle, when I get to the end I can say "wow I made it all the way"; but I'm not there yet, and it sucks. But I've just got to push, push harder, push to smile, push to be happy. It's the only way. The only way. And I'll make it.. I know I will, because that's who I am.

I don't want to disrespec anyone who I've met here, this is not anybody's fault, the people are absolutely amazing and wonderful and I love each and every one of them. And they shouldn't see me like this, when all I want to be is happy and enjoy my time here with them. And that's what I'm working on. Even if I can't go anywhere now because the roads here are stuck, and I have to spend the first Christmas ever without my family, I'm still here, and this is my year. I know everything would be more easy if I was in Finland but I need this. I need to face this stuff. I need to grow up. I've bee stuck so many years in awkwardness and sadness and not really knowing where I belong and I wanna make it STOP. I WILL make it stop. It's up to me. Just me. No one else. (But I know meeting all these wonderful people won't do nothing but help me get there, hahaha.)

So, yeah. It's extremely, extremely hard to be on exchange. It's something I think only other exchange students will understand. But I wouldn't take any of this away. I know it's the hardest year of my life, but it will also be the most rewarding. I just gotta push..

"How do you know what is a dream if you never accomplished one?

How do you know what is an adventure if you never took part in one?

How do you know what is anguish if you never said goodbye to your family and friends with your eyes full of tears?

How do you know what is being desperate, if you never arrived in a place alone and could not understand a word of what everyone else was saying?

How do you know what is diversity if you never lived under the same roof with people from all over the world?

How do you know what is tolerance if you never had to get used to something different even if you didn’t like it?

How do you know what is autonomy if you never had the chance to decide something by yourself?

How do you know what it means to grow up, if you never stopped being a child to start a new course?

How do you know what is to be helpless if you never wanted to hug someone and had a computer screen to prevent you from doing it?

How do you know what is distance if you never, looking at a map, said “I am so far away”?

How do you know what is a language if you never had to learn one to make friends?

How do you know what is the true reality if you never had the chance to see a lot of them to make one?

How do you know what is an opportunity if you never caught one?

How do you know what is pride if you never experienced it for yourself at realizing how much you have accomplished?

How do you know what is to seize the day if you never saw the time running so fast?

How do you know what is a friend if the circumstances never showed you the true ones?

How do you know what is a family if you never had one that supported you unconditionally?

How do you know what are borders if you never crossed yours to see what there was on the other side?

How do you know what is imagination if you never thought about the moment when you would go back home?

How do you know the world if you have never been an exchange student?"

i don't wanna be a captain of some sinking ship

It's supernice to go to a funeral with my host mom and realize that I can eat "correctly", drink coffee "correctly", talk with people "correctly" and be accepted into the community as a foreign daughter, girl, student, whatever.

It's awesome to ask "if you don't know anyother foreigners, do you think I'm more different or more alike than you guys?" and get answered, "the same, you are one of us Minea."

It's amazing to go to the circus, cinema, park, river, other houses, casa de cultura, wherever, and see all the beauty that's surrounding me..

It's supercool to hang out with Mexicans and feel like one of them, laugh, have a good time, talk, understand pretty much everything, know where they're coming from.

It's weird to be laughed at, but then I always remember to laugh along, and I forget the weirdness.

It's nice to realize that everyday the people you live with become closer and closer and more and more like a second family. To go to a wedding with one brother, wake up at 7 the next day just to accompany another brother to an office hehehe, and to come home to chill out with the third one.

The best feeling I've probably gotten is feeling like ONE OF THEM. A daughter, a friend, a sister, a classmate, a student, a Mexican hehehehee. I'm not silent all the time, I don't just stay at home on the computer, I go, I experience, I learn. And I don't have to wonder anymore, what kind of a person am I turning into, since the best thing is to remember "you are what you create".

So yeah, I can say that this is the coolest year of my life so far.

And yes I'm sorry I'm already forgetting English :DDDDDDDDDD

why i love my school

no matter what's going on, i know there's something that makes me happy,
all my friends and classmates
(i'm afraid i'm turning into a geek........)

STEREOTYPES PROVEN WRONG:

* Mexicans eat a lot. I didn't expect I'd be wrong but I was :D the thing is, the food may be greasy, but it's also filled of all the important nutriants, and the portion sizes aren't that big. I only eat three times a day but it's enough, I don't feel hungry at all. I eat breakfast at the school (which is kind of like a mini-lunch.. no cereal or bread, more like two tacos or a sandwich), lunch at home and dinner at my parent's restaurant.

* If I go on exchange, I will gain weight. Not this makes me happy - I've lost 5 kg so far :)))

* Mi casa es tu casa. This, actually, atleast in Juchitàn, is only true for family members. For example my friends aren't allowed at my house (just in the area of the restaurant), but for a relative the doors are always opened. When I was in Veracruz I lived in my brother's wife's mother's house, so a relative that's here a close one, and in Finland a very far one :D..

* There's a lot of partying everywhere all the time. Partially true - there are people who are always out and about, but my friends and classmates are all pretty "good people" (you know what I mean), with no alcohol or drugs, which I like. Getting drunk here while being out with friends would be a huge huge risk, I'm happy like this.

* It's hot. This is true in the afternoons. Mornings and evenings are pretty cold (and DARK)

These are just some things that came to my head. I thought It'd be better to write about stuff like this - right now my life here is a bit disordenated, but I'll get everything straightened out no worries, and then I'll tell more about what's going on here, pretty much in the other side of the world to me..

besos,
Minea

FIESTAAAAAAAAAA

mexicans do know how to have a good party...

ajajajaja...

1) NOCHE DE VIEJOS (=oldie's night) @ Juchitán last Saturday!

2) my friend's sweet 16 at a restaurant last Monday, feel the loooove

3) my host nephew (I know :D..) turned 2 in Veracruz :)!

quisiera estar siempre a tu lado

huir de todo mál

de tu cuerpo un esclavo

y creo que te he demostrado que

estoy enamorado

te lo quiero confesar

totalmente emocionado

me la paso pensante

nunca voy a soltarte..

MOTHERLdsaldjsa there's a problem with my camera = no photos... so you'll have to settle with this!

I got some ""complaints"" about how I'm not specific enough when I write, so here goes a super organized post about a regular day in Mexico. (You better enjoy this:D ajaja)

At 5.50 I wake up, take a shower (not optional), dress up (not much choice there... my school uniform:D), at 6:30 the bus comes (it's Mexico... you never really know) and I meet a few classmates. But since it's 6:30 in the morning (do you have any idea how early that is?????) mostly we just nap in the bus or listen to music like in a regular morning coma.

In school we have fun. We have to study a lot, bun in the pauses (and, honestly, in the classes too) we always have a laugh. My class is really cool, I'm really happy I was so lucky I ended up there, I actually don't know many people from outside my class yet, but I got my friends :) we go to eat breakfast at 9:30 (oh god why WHY can't I cook mexican??) and finish school at 1:10, take another bus, I take a spin at the centre to say bye to my friends and go home.

I go home, eat, my parents go to sleep at around three. My brother comes at home at around four, so if I don't go out, I hang out with him. (Except now his wife if really jealous of the time we spend together, so now I can't, so I go out everyday somewhere.) When I do go out with my friends, we meet at the centre, go watch a movie, in the weekdays we meet up somewhere and do homework (ie my house is a good place since it's near the centre and there's so much room in the area of the restaurant.. plus my mom likes it more when I'm at home than outside running with people she doesn't know etc etc). If I go out alone, I go hit the gym (spinning!!!!! my new love) or an Internet point (like right now). In the evenings I hang out at my mother's restaurant, some pretty cool people work there and there's always someone to talk to. So... it's nice. :)

There are things I'm still getting used to, and days when I still feel supertired and dead, but I'm pushing every negative feeling away... sometimes I get scared when I can't (I'm an optimist deep deep in my heart) but so far I haven't faced anything that would've hurt me. I admit that the issues I have with my brother's wife are a bit bigger than an exchange student should face, but soon she'll be gone, so whatever, I'll survive. Don't you worry about me, I speak Spanish like a native (lol no that's a joke... but still pretty good!) and am learning the native language of Juchitàn called Zapoteco and I've met some pretty amazing people. Getting used to not being able to go out or stay out for as long isn't as hard as I thought. I've made a few mistakes, but everything is ok. My family is really amazing and life is becoming... life. (I admit that suddenly facing everything without anybody or anything you knew before isn't easy, but I'm hanging on to the good things.) So.. I promise when I fix the problem that I'll have more pictures here!!!! There are so many moments I love, I can't let them go..

cheers and kisses you guys, hope you're doing good!
Minea xx

ONE MONTH

What's life in here like?

magic, happiness, laughter, español,

dancing, smiling, walking, running,

giggling, kissing, studying, caring,

letting go, realizing, opening eyes

discovering, finding,

understanding (finally?)

Never have I ever been through so many emotions in one month - everything from homesick..ness, hopelessness, desperation, wishing, dreaming, hoping, wanting, craving, smiling, til the end of the absolute happiness you only find within.

So far, it's still been the best month of my life, through it all.

Minea xx

this is the way that i say i need you

this is the way that i say i'm yours