there's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in and there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it
I'm pretty sure everybody goes through hell as teenagers :D but later on, luckily we can look back and the memories will surely provide us a good chuckle now and then...
I got to thinking how much I've changed. Especially last year.
...yeah, I'm pretty sure no one would recognize me now.
But I guess that's our job as teenagers, to grow and learn and sort our lives out. We absorb the world we walk in as a part of our personality, and we make choices that make us who we are, that separate us from the other living creatures and human beings. Life, so simply, isn't about "finding yourself". To me, atleast, my life, especially last year, has always been about creating yourself.
So, to have a little laugh (or blush from the embarrassment, who knows), I decided not only to see some old pics, but to also to SHARE THEM. I know, I must be crazy, but let's face it - my craziness and my personality have formed a part of who I am for the last years I've been building it : ) enjoy!! (Or not. Seriously, that's up to you :D)
Forget the hair color, the clothes, the weightloss. Those are just the changes you can actually, physically, see.
But it only tells half the story.
I probably don't have to dig this any deeper, I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I'm talking about : ) my simple life's philosophy is to stay true to myself (yet another cliché, what's wrong with me??), and I think that only happens through self-expression and acknowledging stuff. I need to understand that whatever things that have happened, only happened because of some weird reason, and the person I am now doesn't have to be the prisoner of that stuff. I mean, life is forever changing - I need to feel everyday being different than the day before that, and the day before that, and so on.
I don't feel ashamed, luckily, mostly I'm just proud to have gone such a long way. Yay, I'm finally a redhead, expressing myself much better (also through clothes yay), I no longer settle for less than I deserve, and yes I achieved normal weight and health. That's pretty much all I need, and achieving that was definitely worth the race!!
(no es que no crea en el amor, simplemente así soy)
We could all sit for hours just talking and sharing our experiences - after all, everybody has a totally different point of view in life. Nobody thinks exactly alike when it comes to the big questions of life. The experiences a person lives through ultimately change their view of the world - especially on that big, constantly repeated word, "love".
A person's complete history of love has so many different emotions in it that letting it all out would be, basically, impossible (there's not enough time in the world!!). Love comes in so many different forms, I mean, there's the unconditional love you get from your pet (especially from a dog♥), the inspirational love you get from your different muses (artist will know tehee), the love that comes through the feeling of being accepted for who you are with friends and the, well, you know, relationship-love. Partnership-love. The marriage and babies and house at beach, that sort of love. But it's a common mistake to think that only through a stable relationship could we receive love. That if we have not yet found our "other half", basically we just wonder on the surface of this planet with no real goal. Lost and left alone.Why is this so commonly thought???
Simple -all other feelings of love, besides the "let's be together for the rest of our lives" -kind, are simply invisible to most of us. Most feelings we just take for granted. Remember the love of your dog? We think it's an absolute truth the dog will always be on the porch waiting for us, ready to give us affection whenever we need it. Or that we don't need to call our sisters/brothers/parents/closest friends etc. because they'll always be on our side. This doesn't mean we appreciate them any less - it just tells us how that love, the everyday love, becomes so natural to us that we can just close our eyes and know it doesn't disappear.
But there's one love that conquers all others by far, atleast in my opinion. The simple love of life.
I mean, let's think a little. If we don't love life, if we don't wake up with even the slightest feeling of joy of having woken up, if we just live through each day running like crazy to reach yet another meaningless goal - who are we? Did all those billions of years of evolution lead to societies where the people live like machines? Where life is only fulfilling when we have something to rub into each other's faces, bragging?
I know we've all heard billions of sayings, lyrics and poems about life and love and how they go along in the bliss of the moment, but it still feels like many people are missing on so much. They become ignorant to what is surrounding them. They start taking things for granted (like the loves I mentioned) and time gets the best of them. It's so sad to see people who watch their life pass by. (I'm not saying that if you don't bunjee-jump or climb mountains everyday you're unhappy, don't get me wrong, I'm sure every single person knows what is the trigger that makes them, in particular, to enjoy their lives. I'm talking about the feeling when you know you're just not enjoying anymore.)
Simply: how can you love or even have some kind of strong feelings towards anything if you lose the love for just being alive?
I mean, for example yes, relationships can be awesome, and for the people who are capable of holding on to a good one, good for you!!, but in my opinion there's so much more in life to discover as well. We're not babies anymore, we can experience the world outside of the lap of a loved one, and people shouldn't see the ones with more interest to do so as unhappier people. Everyone can define what factors make them happy and how they remember to wake up smiling. So what if we can't find happiness in the arms of another person like others might. Some people are just built like that. We just have to acknowledge what feelings we possess and what can we share with the world. This does not make us less meaningful or failures to humankind.
Or, atleast, I don't think so. But as I said, everybody thinks differently, since there aren't two identical histories of love.
"I was either born in love or never have been so - it's not that I don't believe in love, that's simply just me." División Minúsucla said it all in a shorter way :D I hope you enjoyed this and understood what I was saying. If you want to share experiences/comment/whatever, feel free to do so. This was a little piece of the complicated brain only an almost 18-year-old could have..
("2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song, if I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, 'cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud and I know that you'll use them however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table")
I though it might be kinda cool really fucking amazing (and therapeutic in some way, I guess) to show the highlights of my year, and just try to talk about some stuff. I think my blog might be a pretty sucky exchange blog if I never told about the stuff that happened over there..and now, since I've been home for more than a month now, (actually almost two months), I guess it's the perfect time to try.
So, here are some highlights of my AFS exchange year 2011-2012 in México.
I got really lucky with my friends. I found a group of people who accepted me as a part of them - and who became very quickly very important people to me. They taught me Spanish, to party and have fun, to eat armadillo and just generally a lot about life and responsability. They were all older than me, so we had pretty different lifestyle situations (actually I got pretty bummed out that they were independent and I still wasn't, I had to follow my host families' rules, but hey, that's why I left there in the first place right, so whatever), but our view of life was pretty much the same. Someone once told me I have the "gift" of hanging out with hippies wherever I go :D OK so it's just humour but it might be kinda true..
We were all life-loving, laid back people who don't care about drama and problems. We were all searching for happiness in life, and luckily, with their help, I was finally able to reach mine and become more and more optimistic. Now, even thought they're not physically by my side, I still see everything they helped me achieve. I will never forget my awesome group of my friends, "mi banda" :')
I lived in two families (sorry, but I won't go deeper in this subject, every family deserves the respect of people quieting about their personal stuff), both of them in the city of Juchitán de Zaragoza in the state of Oaxaca. My city was pretty small, everybody knew everybody, so naturally I was like a "local celebrity" :p people got to know me pretty quickly, and I guess most of them thought I was OK, they don't really see that many foreigners there so of course I was always a bit weird to them. But luckily that's what my life's been so far, always the weird girl :D haha, anyway, I got to do cool stuff with both of them, including travels, traditional parties, excellent meals and a good laugh. I'll never forget the trip we made to Chiapas (the rope swing picture&the one from the canoe are examples) with my second family in March and stuff like that. You can choose what memories you cherish and which one you leave without importance.
My school was fucking amazing :D I made really good friends who I will never forget - seriously, I don't think it's normal for an exchange student to have so many great friends in there as I did. I was told pretty early, "you have to remember we think really differently, so be careful what you say and to who you say it", but I didn't really struggle with this after I just decided to go with the flow. We could talk for hours about everything, we never stopped laughing and they taught me so much from the smallest things to the very end. These people made my year an unforgettable experience, and I owe a huge chunk of my happiness to their forever lasting, gorgeus smiles : )
The most breath-stealing journey I've ever made was the one I did with ma home girlz to Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco. We only stayed for four days (three nights), but they were one hell of a ride :D haha I can't even describe all the crazy shit we did, anyways, it was one amazing trip and I still fall of my butt laughing just thinking about it. Girls, you gave me something I will never forget (and I hope you won't either any time soon!!!)..ans that is POLLO ETERNO<3 p="p">
This is a random picsplash I felt needed to be shown just fot fun :D I think if I wanted to, I could be out here moaning and complaining about the problemes I faced, about the obstacles and difficulties that almost led to the end of it all, but I simply prefer not to. I look at my pictures and go, "now why would I be sad about the bad stuff, when there's a whole bunch of good stuff to appreciate, too?". I don't know, I guess that's just me. I only see the person I finally am, the one who decides to stay on side and just don't look back. Whatever happened in México, happened, and that's it. And I can either cling on to it and cry, or I can let it go and move on.
México shaped a lot of my personality, so much it's hard to even begin explaining it. I think if you knew me then and you know me now, you see it, in physical appearence and in personality. Well, I guess there's no use if I blabber stuff here, if you've lived through the roller coaster of a foreign exchange, you know what I mean. If not, well, I hope you get the guts to do it.
No matter what happened, no matter who I met and no matter how I failed, I regret nothing. And that, all you awesome readers, is probably the coolest feeling of the world. (After catching a wave with your surfboard, obviously)
"no me arrepiento de nada que hice ayer,
me arrepiento lo que pude haber hecho,
haber dicho y ya no podré hacerlo jamás..."
Diary quote 26.6.2012:
"I still feel like this was all a dream, but even if it were, it'd still be just as life-changing. Thanks to this whole experience, I got brand-new eyes that let me see the mistakes of the past, and the person I could've turned into, but didn't - and the person I may be in the future if I only want to. I made the decision of changing my attitude and searching for happiness, and I did it, all by myself. I never could've been as happy and strong if I wouldn´t have left home. And that´s all I could ask for."