I still remember what I did exactly, exactly, one year ago. I remember the anxiety that my computer would just turn itself off in the middle of everything. I remember the tingling in my stomach that I'd finally get to write the scenes that had been in my head for a long, long time. And I remember the... the simple emptiness that struck me. It's over. It's done. The words are out of my heart and in paper, and there's nothing left for me to do. The days spent in school just waiting to run home to write, the tears that ended up rolling for things packed far far away from the past, everything, it, me - it was all there. I listened to music while sitting on my bed, eating ice cream and crying my guts out for girls that will never exist but girls who changed my life simply forever.
Shattered was finished on Jan 24th, 2010, and I feel like it wasn't me who wrote it. I can't have been that shy, preserved girl, who was obsessed with all things India and hindu and spiritual and was completely blind to everything and... I kept myself hidden for so long, and I poured it all into Shattered, and it feels amazing for now that I got to think my thoughts and emotions through, my head is much clearer and more serene. And still when I open the Word document and read the words I wrote, something clutches my stomache. Why can't I still write like that? What happened? Why did it all leave me feeling so empty for so long?
Writing was a passing phaise in my life. I got pretty good at it, but it wasn't for me. I guess I am noo sensitive to it after all. So here I am, exactly one year later from where I started from. I never see the people I saw at that time, I never went to parties and thought I was better than anyone else, I hated the Western world and thought I'd found my place, my life, but... oh, I don't know, I'm not where I thought I'd be, I'm somewhere I never thought I'd end up. But it's not sad or horrible, it's amazing. I'm somewhere I never thought I'd get.
it's not time to make a change
just relax, take it easy
you're still young, that's your fault
there's so much you have to know
I still have some bits of the person I was in me. But I guess there are somethings that my words are not enough. So I guess Meena from 365 days can do it for me.
"Thanks," Darlene whispered. Christine opened her eyes and listened.
"Thans for what?"
Darlene sneered. "For everything," she replied and felt her chin starting to slowly shiver. "For this. For yesterday. For last week. For this year. For tomorrow."
"You don't have to thank me," Christine said and buried her face into Darlene's soft hair. "I'm here because I want to. Because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where you are." She paused, and Darline sniffed. Christine carefully turned her gaze to the girl. "I can't live without you, Darlene."
They were silent for a while. Darlene watched the uneven surface of the wall melt slowly to a pure, even shade of white.
"Remember when you said that I am strong, and asked why you aren't?" Christine asked after a while. Darlene sniffed and nodded agains the pillow.
Christine got closer. "I wouldn't say that. You are strong just for being here. Many other people would've already given up - I mean, I would be... yeah. But you are there, after all you've been through, after all the work that still needs processing. And that alone makes me love you."
"What if it's not enough?" Darlene asked. The last words swung higher than she'd intended, while her body started to slowly shiver. "What if you wake up one day thinking how much time you spent on 'fixing me'? What if... what if you just get bored? I don't want to live without you either you know. I don't know how. And..."
Darlene stopped to breathe when Christine pressed herself against her as close as she could get. They got tangled up to oneanother in every way they knew while somewhere babbled a pipe, someone played the piano and some pulled the trigger. They laid there in the middle of it all, and the only thing they needed in order to bear it all was eachother.
Christine kissed Darlene's neck softly. "You've been through stuff, too. And you smile. It's another argument," Darlene said.
"I smile only because you're here," Christine whispered. Darlene shut her eyes tightly and let the tears stream onto her cheeck, nose, lips. She tasted salt on the tip or her tounge and her breathe broke down.
"I never knew how to do it before you. And I sure as hell wouldn't know how to do it... after."
They quieted down. The only thing they could hear in the room were Darlene's peaceful, finally fulfilled tears. She was too tired to feel embaressed about her red overly-moist eyes and blushing cheecks. Christine's body was comftorably close to hers and the other caught some of Darlene's tears to herself.
"I never thought someone could love me", Darlene whispered and gasped quietly. "Or that... I could ever love someone back."
Darlene felt Christine's smile against her neck. It made little pieces of happiness dance in her arms, face, heart.
"Can you promise me one thing?" Darlene asked quietly after a while. Christine, whose eyes had been calmly clsed, opened them carefully. She slowly brushed Darlene's cheek with her palm and closed her tears inside her hands. "Of course," she whispered, and Darline took a deep, deep breath.
"Tell me that after all this, and much, much more, we can end it all here. No matter what happens, no matter what gets poured on us, we can be together and cope through it all. And... and we'll come out as winners. Because we'll have eachother. Right?" Darlene whispered carefully, desperatelly, being more honest than she'd ever been in her entire life. Christine was quiet for a while.
"I couldn't think of anything else," she then whispered and kissed Darlene's burning hot skin.
Darlene nodded, closed her eyes and let the dark sweep her over one last time. Because now she knew that it would always be followed by light.
how can i try to explain
'cause when i do, he turns away again
it's always been the same, same old story
from the moment i could talk,
i was ordered to listen
now there's a way, and i know,
i have to go away
i know i have to go
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