I know I should write more about the things I do everyday, but since I picked a country where I can go out pretty rarely, there's not much to tell, just a lot of working with my parents and stuff like that. I'll write more about that later (I promise yo give pictures..... I don't want this blog to turn into pure blabber). Now I've been thinking about other things.
Is it hard to go on exchange? YES. Did I knoe it before I left? YES. Do I think it has changed me? YES. Are we all a bit masochistic, leaving our homes for a year, knowing that the fun won't really start before three-four-five months pass by? YES. Did I think it was going to be easy? NO. But did I think it would be this hard? NOOO.
The thing that I fear the most is that I've changed into something more negative. The thing is, back in Finland, I was always known as the happy Minea, I was always smiling, always happy, and people really wanted to be with me, because they said I had a happy, calming aura around me. I was always the optimist who found happiness in everything and was never too tired to smile.
That's what I'm afraid I'm loosing.
Here I've faced many probelms. Many many many. I know all exchange students have problems, since being a year alone in a whole new culture ain't a piece of cake, but still reading other people's blogs or talking with them makes me a bit sad - it feels like there are people who have everything more easy. I've been here for 14 weeks now, and I'm working to be happy, I push a smile on my face, even when it feels really out of place at times. I can't let things bring me down, after all I have a lot of really really amazing friends, a class full of crazy lovely people, three brothers who are awesome and who I love very much, and so on. I have so much to be happy about, and just remembering that I'm here, doing something many people couldn't even dream of doing, means I'm strong. I'm getting stronger everyday, I know it.
But I've never in my life heard the words "Minea you have a lot of negativity in you", "I think it's about 50/50, 50% think you're really happy and great and the other 50% that.. well that you just have a lot of emotional stress", "Minea I think your head is a little sick or something, if that's the only thing holding you back". Never have I EVER been called negative. EVER. Cause I've always been the one who remembers to smile even in the worst moments, who always says that happiness shouldn't be dependent about the things that happen to us, just in how we react and do things.
So the main question is-- if I'm no long the happy positive Minea, who am I??
I know that's such a cliche, oh god I can't believe I'm actually using that, but right now it describes me pretty well. I'm not the girl who starts crying when my hostmother says I can't go to Oaxaca with my brother, or the girl who wakes up and shuts down. I hate that because of my bad feelings I've treated some people really badly, when they haven't done anything to deserve it (my brother says it's called angry sadness, or sad anger). Especially here where the people are amazing and nice and lovely and I'd love nothing more than to be the happy positive girl again.
I know the person is in me, I know I have strength to get over anything and still smile. I once promised myself I'd never lose it, that ability to enjoy life, so what the hell's wrong with me, when something feels stopping me from enjoying this one year, one shot. I'm trying out what to do, how I should react, how to force a smile on my face, even when my cheeks hurt. It's hard, yeah, but I think I just need time. I've adapted to my life here, but it feels like things just happen, and I can't cotrol ffeeling bad or sad or.. stuff that I'm not used to face. And I really need something that gives me more strenght and reminds me why I can't lose that girl I was, and how I can be more like her again. I know it's all in my head and I've just gotta work a bit harder to delete all the negativity from there. And I know I will. But right now I'm stuck in he middle, when I get to the end I can say "wow I made it all the way"; but I'm not there yet, and it sucks. But I've just got to push, push harder, push to smile, push to be happy. It's the only way. The only way. And I'll make it.. I know I will, because that's who I am.
I don't want to disrespec anyone who I've met here, this is not anybody's fault, the people are absolutely amazing and wonderful and I love each and every one of them. And they shouldn't see me like this, when all I want to be is happy and enjoy my time here with them. And that's what I'm working on. Even if I can't go anywhere now because the roads here are stuck, and I have to spend the first Christmas ever without my family, I'm still here, and this is my year. I know everything would be more easy if I was in Finland but I need this. I need to face this stuff. I need to grow up. I've bee stuck so many years in awkwardness and sadness and not really knowing where I belong and I wanna make it STOP. I WILL make it stop. It's up to me. Just me. No one else. (But I know meeting all these wonderful people won't do nothing but help me get there, hahaha.)
So, yeah. It's extremely, extremely hard to be on exchange. It's something I think only other exchange students will understand. But I wouldn't take any of this away. I know it's the hardest year of my life, but it will also be the most rewarding. I just gotta push..
"How do you know what is a dream if you never accomplished one?
How do you know what is an adventure if you never took part in one?
How do you know what is anguish if you never said goodbye to your family and friends with your eyes full of tears?
How do you know what is being desperate, if you never arrived in a place alone and could not understand a word of what everyone else was saying?
How do you know what is diversity if you never lived under the same roof with people from all over the world?
How do you know what is tolerance if you never had to get used to something different even if you didn’t like it?
How do you know what is autonomy if you never had the chance to decide something by yourself?
How do you know what it means to grow up, if you never stopped being a child to start a new course?
How do you know what is to be helpless if you never wanted to hug someone and had a computer screen to prevent you from doing it?
How do you know what is distance if you never, looking at a map, said “I am so far away”?
How do you know what is a language if you never had to learn one to make friends?
How do you know what is the true reality if you never had the chance to see a lot of them to make one?
How do you know what is an opportunity if you never caught one?
How do you know what is pride if you never experienced it for yourself at realizing how much you have accomplished?
How do you know what is to seize the day if you never saw the time running so fast?
How do you know what is a friend if the circumstances never showed you the true ones?
How do you know what is a family if you never had one that supported you unconditionally?
How do you know what are borders if you never crossed yours to see what there was on the other side?
How do you know what is imagination if you never thought about the moment when you would go back home?
How do you know the world if you have never been an exchange student?"
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