you're on the road, but you've got no destination

I've been dreaming of bodymods and changing my looks for ages. I've dreamt of red hair eversince I was... oh my gosh, I don't know, 12, and on top of that I've always wanted piercings, tattoos, new clothes, new hairstyles, new everything... I hate being stuck to one singe look for ages. When I was about 13, I never bought new clothes because I was sure that spending money on clothes, make up and stuff was the stupidest thing ever and I was "above" all that. So as far as my pre-teen years went, I pretty much looked the same - shortish brown hair, no make up, same old clothes. I was ashamed of my body and tried to hide it into boy hoodies and big pants, but I was always a bit jealous for the girls who had long hair, cute clothes, beuty and most of all, the confidence to pull their looks off, no matter what anyone else said. So, as I got my life and myself a bit more sorted out, in around the age 14-15 I started to make myself look more like who I felt I was inside. And now that I know that in 6 months I'll be gone for a whole year, I have so much more courage to do all the stuff I've been to afraid to do beofre.

First thing I did: sidecut. Seeing people with a sidecut on one side and long whisps on the other made me feel really envious and jealous - god how I craaaaved for one!! So last January I made one dream true (it wasn't so hard after all - the only one who made a big fuss about it was _myself) - and cut it. I remember, I was listening to music, it was around midnight in a Tuesday night and it just hit me. Now's the time. So, I went to the bathroom, cut my hair short on the right side of my head and made it shorter with my Dad's hair machine.. thing. I was so nervous I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night :D when I got to school I felt amazing, my friends were supersupportive and I felt really special. I'd done it, I'd beaten my old fears, the old version of me, and here I was, proud and happy and confident me.




That was one thing now - but it wasn't enough. A few days later I left for our school's cruise (best time ever, I swear) and I got talking to one girl about piercings, and she said she could do one for me. Oh man, I don't need to mention the fuss that went on the school that she did a labret for me - in the bathroom. Cliché, I know, but dude it didn't even get infected!! I am the luckiest of all lucky girls, the chances of a home-made piercing not getting infected is about one over ten gazillion millions (or that's what they told me..) But oh, whatever! I love it, although I've already lost two of them, but oh well. It's a small price I gotta pay for looking this good, ahahaa!




I changed my style too, but oh well, explaining that would be way too complicated! The next thing I'm planning is getting a tattoo. I'm thinking that getting a cheap tattoo (cheap tattoos?) in Mexico wouldn't be a bad thing at all... I'd also like to dye my hair read (I've been dreaming about it eversince I was friggin 12 years old man!). I mean, just look at readheads. LOOK at them.




I can't explain why I have a thing for redheads (my dad always says I got it from him but........). I guess it's just one of those things you can't really explain. But there's no hurry. I'll get there. Right now I'm too in love with my natural hair which gets blonder, darker, curlier, straighter and everything inbetween whenever it wants, so... we'll see! After all, what's the rush?

Eversince... I don't even know how long, I've been longing for these tattoos, or something like them (not in the same spots, and I have a few that I can't really find good pictures of, but I hope you get the idea!). Just waiting for Mexico to come and life to begin with ink on my skin... Hrr, even the idea gives me the thrilling chills!

we are all like astronauts discovering infinity

(pictures from we♥it)

it's a beautiful day
sky falls, you feel like
it's a beautiful day
don't let it get away
(U2: Beautiful Day)

M

this Sunday night do it all again

Phew what a weekend! It's 7:45 AM and I am awake without no good reason, I just woke up at 6 after 5 hrs of sleep and couldn't fall back anymore. But anyways!!

Friday was awesome, there was an event in my high school for the 2nd year students that become the oldest of the school since the 3rd year kids get to finish school and focus only on studying for the final exam. I loved the dances, I had this really idiotic expression on my face the whole time, they made me smile like hell without even a good reason :D school finished early but after a few hours I left back to the school for the evening event of the dances, for family&friends this time. It was really cool, basically all we did was making sure there was enough coffee and things to eat and greet the parents (which, of course, ended up as my responsalibity :D). We just chilled and hung out and I got to watch the second part with my friend's girlfriend, and I hadn't really had a chance to get to know her that well before last Friday, so it was awesomee ! Too bad I didn't have enough time to go to the AFTER PARTY because...

...early on Saturday morning (and I do mean _EARLY) I had to leave to Forssa which is about 100km from Helsinki to a FOOTBALL CAMP, first I was really afraid and anxious since my skills are still on such an early stage but it ended up being really awesome. My muscles ache, I have bruises on my body, my head still has a "ghost helmet" but I feel great. My stamina's better, I learn all the time, I memorise the game plans and blocks and actually SUCCEED, and it feels sooooo good. For the first time ever I am actually GOOD in a sport. ME, the slowest runner and clumsiest non-technical girl. What's happened dude?! I'm loving iiiit !

I came home Sunday, showered, relaxed a bit and left to a party which I really needed _so_bad_ after the camp and all... and we drank and relaxed and danced and talked and ahahahgagaga it felt so good. I was afraid I'd feel like a loner or something but I didn't, so... yay! I saw many of my friends & got closer with some people I'd barely even spoken to before. I really needed it. (Oh, and we don't normally party on Sundays, it's just for the vacation week :D)

I'd better try to sleep some more, but first I gotta share this video I found, it made me laugh like hell right now... I hope you enjoy !

watch it here (i still don't know how to use Blogger)

meet me halfway

can you meet me halfway?
right at the borderline
is where i'm gonna wait for you

i'll be looking out
night and day
took my heart to the limit
and this is where i'll stay

i can't go any further than this
i want you so bad, it's my only wish

love is our resistance

I can't stand still, I run and dance and scream and shout, all I want to do is LAUGH TILL MY STOMACH FALLS OFF and tell the world how awesome my life is right now

and I still can't wait for August and leave to Mexico and live and learn and love

and I can't put in words how awesome everything is right now

♥ (pictures from we♥it)



































love is our resistance

and our love will conquer all

I still remember what I did exactly, exactly, one year ago. I remember the anxiety that my computer would just turn itself off in the middle of everything. I remember the tingling in my stomach that I'd finally get to write the scenes that had been in my head for a long, long time. And I remember the... the simple emptiness that struck me. It's over. It's done. The words are out of my heart and in paper, and there's nothing left for me to do. The days spent in school just waiting to run home to write, the tears that ended up rolling for things packed far far away from the past, everything, it, me - it was all there. I listened to music while sitting on my bed, eating ice cream and crying my guts out for girls that will never exist but girls who changed my life simply forever.

Shattered was finished on Jan 24th, 2010, and I feel like it wasn't me who wrote it. I can't have been that shy, preserved girl, who was obsessed with all things India and hindu and spiritual and was completely blind to everything and... I kept myself hidden for so long, and I poured it all into Shattered, and it feels amazing for now that I got to think my thoughts and emotions through, my head is much clearer and more serene. And still when I open the Word document and read the words I wrote, something clutches my stomache. Why can't I still write like that? What happened? Why did it all leave me feeling so empty for so long?

Writing was a passing phaise in my life. I got pretty good at it, but it wasn't for me. I guess I am noo sensitive to it after all. So here I am, exactly one year later from where I started from. I never see the people I saw at that time, I never went to parties and thought I was better than anyone else, I hated the Western world and thought I'd found my place, my life, but... oh, I don't know, I'm not where I thought I'd be, I'm somewhere I never thought I'd end up. But it's not sad or horrible, it's amazing. I'm somewhere I never thought I'd get.

it's not time to make a change
just relax, take it easy
you're still young, that's your fault
there's so much you have to know

I still have some bits of the person I was in me. But I guess there are somethings that my words are not enough. So I guess Meena from 365 days can do it for me.

"Thanks," Darlene whispered. Christine opened her eyes and listened.
"Thans for what?"
Darlene sneered. "For everything," she replied and felt her chin starting to slowly shiver. "For this. For yesterday. For last week. For this year. For tomorrow."
"You don't have to thank me," Christine said and buried her face into Darlene's soft hair. "I'm here because I want to. Because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where you are." She paused, and Darline sniffed. Christine carefully turned her gaze to the girl. "I can't live without you, Darlene."

They were silent for a while. Darlene watched the uneven surface of the wall melt slowly to a pure, even shade of white.
"Remember when you said that I am strong, and asked why you aren't?" Christine asked after a while. Darlene sniffed and nodded agains the pillow.
Christine got closer. "I wouldn't say that. You are strong just for being here. Many other people would've already given up - I mean, I would be... yeah. But you are there, after all you've been through, after all the work that still needs processing. And that alone makes me love you."
"What if it's not enough?" Darlene asked. The last words swung higher than she'd intended, while her body started to slowly shiver. "What if you wake up one day thinking how much time you spent on 'fixing me'? What if... what if you just get bored? I don't want to live without you either you know. I don't know how. And..."
Darlene stopped to breathe when Christine pressed herself against her as close as she could get. They got tangled up to oneanother in every way they knew while somewhere babbled a pipe, someone played the piano and some pulled the trigger. They laid there in the middle of it all, and the only thing they needed in order to bear it all was eachother.
Christine kissed Darlene's neck softly. "You've been through stuff, too. And you smile. It's another argument," Darlene said.
"I smile only because you're here," Christine whispered. Darlene shut her eyes tightly and let the tears stream onto her cheeck, nose, lips. She tasted salt on the tip or her tounge and her breathe broke down.

"I never knew how to do it before you. And I sure as hell wouldn't know how to do it... after."
They quieted down. The only thing they could hear in the room were Darlene's peaceful, finally fulfilled tears. She was too tired to feel embaressed about her red overly-moist eyes and blushing cheecks. Christine's body was comftorably close to hers and the other caught some of Darlene's tears to herself.

"I never thought someone could love me", Darlene whispered and gasped quietly. "Or that... I could ever love someone back."
Darlene felt Christine's smile against her neck. It made little pieces of happiness dance in her arms, face, heart.
"Can you promise me one thing?" Darlene asked quietly after a while. Christine, whose eyes had been calmly clsed, opened them carefully. She slowly brushed Darlene's cheek with her palm and closed her tears inside her hands. "Of course," she whispered, and Darline took a deep, deep breath.

"Tell me that after all this, and much, much more, we can end it all here. No matter what happens, no matter what gets poured on us, we can be together and cope through it all. And... and we'll come out as winners. Because we'll have eachother. Right?" Darlene whispered carefully, desperatelly, being more honest than she'd ever been in her entire life. Christine was quiet for a while.
"I couldn't think of anything else," she then whispered and kissed Darlene's burning hot skin.

Darlene nodded, closed her eyes and let the dark sweep her over one last time. Because now she knew that it would always be followed by light.


how can i try to explain
'cause when i do, he turns away again
it's always been the same, same old story
from the moment i could talk,
i was ordered to listen
now there's a way, and i know,
i have to go away
i know i have to go

hasta el fín

Probably the coolest thing ever is seeing what you've worked for really hard - I used to think people always overly emphasized their goals and achievements, but duuude, it feels so good !

So as some may know, I've ben having problems with my weight for about 5 years now - I've been through phaises where I eat loads and loads every day and phaises when I stare at lettuces and refuse to eat practically anything. This Autumn I decided I wanted a change, since being stuck in a never-ending yoyo turn can be pretty frustrating, and started to get my life & food organized. But it was not just that, I needed to really change my attitude towards food too, and begin to exercise. Since the only exercise I done by then was aerobic, but it was basically only once a week, and I kept on making excuses on why to skip one etc. etc. Now I feel really ashamed of how I could just ignore my health and body problems like that, and wish I'd just grabbed the root of the problem earlier! Oh well, atleast I feel better about it now.

So I started american football with my friend from school, and dude, it's awesome! I'm not very good at it (yet, obviously, I've been doing it for... 1½ months now?), but I can alreadyy feel the change. Aerobic is really fun (now I aim for 2 aerobics & 2 work-outs a week, but 1 work-out's enough...), but it didn't really give me any massive body changes, I just got me (a really small bit) slimmer, but now with football I feel my thighs getting toner, my stomach etting smaller AND my arms are finally growing some big guns! So that's maybe the coolest thing ever, to realize that eating or even craving food filled with either fat, salt or tons of sugar, has gone to the past. I don't feel like buying 200g of chocolate anymore, it's too much to me. I used to be able to eat packs of ice creams in one night and then hide the "evidence" as good as I could. Now I feel like if I want to do something but would be too embarresed to stand behind it, it may take a second thought to think it through.

And I've also noticed a change in my muscles - I can run faster, for a longer time period and my breath doesn't run away from me all the time. Yayyy! It feels so good that I can co to gymnastic at school or running with my friends and not be the red-faced chubby girl who has absolutely no physical health whatsoever. Eating&drinking well, exercising and just staying happy have made a huge change in my life - and it's not as hard as I thought, although it does take a lot of time. Changes don't happen in seconds. Now in 18 months I've lost 12kg, so the pace could be faster, but atleast I know I'm heading for the right direction. And there's onl one way from the bottom, right? ;)

M

Anna Nalick - 2 AM (Breathe)

and breathe, just breathe